# Difficult Conversation Scripts

Ready-to-use opening lines, responses to common reactions, and frameworks for navigating challenging workplace conversations.

## Opening Lines by Scenario

### Performance Issues

**General performance:**
> "I want to talk about how things have been going lately. My goal isn't to criticize - I want to understand what's happening and figure out how I can support you."

**Missed deadlines:**
> "I've noticed the last few deliverables have come in past their due dates. I want to understand what's been challenging so we can figure out how to get back on track."

**Quality concerns:**
> "I want to discuss some patterns I've noticed in recent work. I know you're capable of great work, so I'm curious what's been different lately."

**Attitude/engagement:**
> "I've sensed that something might be off lately, and I wanted to check in. Is there anything going on that's affecting how you're feeling about work?"

### Conflict Resolution

**Between you and a colleague:**
> "I feel like there might be some tension between us, and I'd rather address it directly than let it fester. Can we talk about what's been happening?"

**Facilitating between others:**
> "I've noticed some friction around [topic] and I want to help us work through it. I'm not taking sides - I just want to understand both perspectives and find a path forward."

**After a disagreement:**
> "I've been thinking about our conversation yesterday. I don't think we ended in a good place, and I'd like to revisit it when we're both calmer."

### Expectation Setting

**Unclear expectations:**
> "I want to make sure we're aligned on what success looks like for [project/role]. Can we talk through expectations so we're on the same page?"

**Resetting expectations:**
> "Based on what we're seeing, I think we need to adjust our expectations for [timeline/scope/quality]. Can we discuss what's realistic?"

**Boundary setting:**
> "I wanted to talk about workload. I'm finding it difficult to deliver quality work at the current pace. Can we discuss priorities?"

### Giving Difficult News

**Project cuts/changes:**
> "I have some difficult news about [project]. I want to share what I know and give you a chance to ask questions."

**Role changes:**
> "There are some changes coming that will affect your role. I wanted to tell you directly before any announcements."

**Ending a collaboration:**
> "I've made the difficult decision to [end/change] our working arrangement. I want to explain my thinking and discuss how to transition smoothly."

## Handling Common Reactions

### Defensiveness

**They say:** "That's not fair - you don't understand the whole situation!"

**You respond:**
> "I want to understand. Can you walk me through what happened from your perspective? I might be missing context."

**They say:** "I was just doing what I thought was right!"

**You respond:**
> "I believe you had good intentions. Let's talk about the impact regardless of intent, and how we can prevent this going forward."

### Deflection

**They say:** "Well, [other person] does the same thing!"

**You respond:**
> "Right now I want to focus on our conversation. If there are other issues to address, we can talk about those separately."

**They say:** "I've been so busy with [other project]..."

**You respond:**
> "I understand there's a lot on your plate. That's actually something I want to discuss too - how we can set you up for success given your workload."

### Emotion

**They become upset:**
> "I can see this is hitting hard. Would you like to take a few minutes? We can continue when you're ready, or pick this up another time."

**They shut down:**
> "I notice you've gone quiet. What are you thinking? It's okay to share how you're feeling about this."

**They get angry:**
> "I can see you're frustrated. I'd like to continue this conversation, but I need us both to stay respectful. Should we take a break?"

### Denial

**They say:** "That didn't happen / I didn't do that."

**You respond:**
> "I want to make sure we're talking about the same situation. [Describe specific instance]. Does that match your recollection?"

**They say:** "This is the first I'm hearing about this."

**You respond:**
> "I should have raised this sooner - that's fair feedback for me. Now that it's on the table, can we discuss how to move forward?"

### Counter-attack

**They say:** "Well, what about when YOU [did something]?"

**You respond:**
> "That's a fair point, and I'm open to feedback. Let's finish this conversation first, and then I'd like to hear your concerns about me."

### Agreement Without Change

**They say:** "You're right, I'll do better."

**You respond:**
> "I appreciate that. Let's get specific about what 'doing better' looks like so we're both clear. What will you do differently, and how can I support you?"

## Phrases for Key Moments

### Staying Curious

- "Help me understand..."
- "What was your thinking when..."
- "What were you trying to accomplish?"
- "What would you do differently now?"
- "What would help you in this situation?"

### Acknowledging Their Perspective

- "I can see how you'd feel that way given..."
- "That makes sense from your point of view."
- "I hadn't considered that angle."
- "I appreciate you sharing that."
- "That's a fair point."

### Redirecting to Solutions

- "Now that we understand the situation, what can we do going forward?"
- "What would help prevent this in the future?"
- "What do you need from me to succeed?"
- "How can we work together on this?"
- "What's one thing you could try differently?"

### Setting Clear Expectations

- "Going forward, I need..."
- "What I'm asking for is..."
- "Here's what success looks like..."
- "The expectation is..."
- "By [date], I'd like to see..."

### Closing Constructively

- "I appreciate you having this conversation with me."
- "I know this wasn't easy to hear. Thanks for being open."
- "I'm confident we can work through this."
- "Let's check in on [date] to see how things are going."
- "My door is open if you want to talk more."

## Scenario Playbooks

### Playbook: Addressing Chronic Lateness

**Opening:**
> "The standup has started at 9:00 AM, and I've noticed you've joined around 9:15 the last several days. I want to understand what's happening."

**If they're defensive:**
> "I'm not trying to call you out. I just want to make sure there isn't something I'm missing - is there a scheduling conflict or something else going on?"

**If there's a reason:**
> "Thanks for sharing that. Let's figure out a solution that works - could we adjust the meeting time, or is there something else that would help?"

**If there's no clear reason:**
> "I need everyone present at the start for standups to be effective. Can you commit to being there at 9:00 going forward? What would help you make that happen?"

**Follow-up:**
> "Let's check in next week. If you're on time consistently, we'll consider this resolved."

### Playbook: Quality Issues in Code

**Opening:**
> "I've noticed the last few PRs have had more issues than usual - bugs making it to QA, tests failing, that kind of thing. I want to understand what's going on."

**Explore:**

- "Are the requirements clear?"
- "Is the timeline realistic?"
- "Is there something about our testing setup that's making it harder?"
- "Is there other work pulling your attention?"

**If it's workload:**
> "It sounds like you're stretched too thin. Let's look at your commitments and see what we can adjust."

**If it's skill:**
> "Would it help to pair with someone on the next feature? Or would a refresher on our testing practices be useful?"

**If it's unclear:**
> "Here's what I need going forward: PRs should have tests, and they should pass CI before review. What would help you meet that bar consistently?"

### Playbook: Conflict Between Team Members

**Meeting with each person separately first:**

> "I've noticed some tension between you and [colleague] around [topic]. Before we all meet, I want to understand your perspective. What's been happening from your point of view?"

**Facilitating together:**

> "Thank you both for being here. My goal is to help us find a path forward that works for everyone. I'm not here to judge who's right - I want to understand both perspectives and figure out how we move forward as a team."
>
> "[Person A], can you share your perspective? [Person B], I'd like you to just listen for now - you'll have a chance to share next."

**Finding common ground:**

> "It sounds like you both want [shared goal]. Where you differ is [specific disagreement]. Is that right?"

**Resolution:**

> "What would a good solution look like for each of you?"
>
> "Can we agree on [compromise/process] going forward?"

### Playbook: Pushing Back on Leadership

**Opening:**
> "I want to make sure we deliver something great, and I have some concerns about the current timeline/scope I'd like to discuss."

**Present data:**
> "Based on similar past work and our current capacity, here's what I'm seeing: [data]. The timeline we have assumes [optimistic conditions]."

**Offer trade-offs:**
> "We can hit the date if we [reduce scope / add resources / accept these risks]. Or we can deliver the full scope by [realistic date]. What's most important here?"

**If pushed back:**
> "I understand there's pressure on this. I want to set us up for success, which means being honest about what's realistic. If we commit to this timeline, here are the risks we're accepting..."

**Document:**
> "Can I send a summary of what we agreed to? I want to make sure we're aligned and can reference this later."

## Words to Avoid

| Avoid | Use Instead |
| --- | --- |
| "You always..." | "I've noticed a pattern where..." |
| "You never..." | "In recent instances..." |
| "You should have..." | "Going forward, I'd like..." |
| "That's wrong" | "I see it differently" |
| "Obviously..." | "From my perspective..." |
| "To be honest..." | (Just be honest without the disclaimer) |
| "Don't take this personally" | (Just don't make it personal) |
| "No offense, but..." | (Just don't be offensive) |

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**Related:** Return to `feedback-mastery` skill for the full framework, or see `feedback-sbi-model.md` for structuring specific feedback.
